September 21, 2010

Our Baby....

This is a very hard post to share. I am so sad to write the news of our 5th pregnancy, the news that we have lost our little number five. He was a boy. He was perfect. He is now a significant part of our family and I feel a deep desire to commemorate him by sharing his story.

On Saturday, September 4th...I had bleeding that was quite significant. Steve rushed me to the Emergency room. The doctors checked my cervix and thankfully it was closed and blood was not coming from it. The ultrasound revealed a perfectly healthy baby and no apparent loss of fluid. The baby was measuring a bit small, so they figured that maybe I was off on my due date and told me I was only about 16 weeks along. The diagnosis was a subchorionic hemorrhage. This happens in about 9% of pregnancies and if the hemorrhage is small, most women go on to have healthy deliveries. So they sent us home and on bedrest until we could visit with a High Rish OBGYN and do a more advanced ultra sound. We felt good and reassured that things would be fine.

Well, my appointment was Friday, September 10th and the High Risk Doctors took a look at me and measured the baby only at just barely 16 weeks again. This put fear in my mind as I knew I had to be at least 18 weeks along and that our little guy wasn't getting what he needed from the placenta. Then they took a look at the hemorrhage and informed me that it was indeed a subchorionic hemorrhage, but that it was very severe. They told us there was no way of knowing what would happen and told us that if it were to heal, things might be okay. They also said that if the blood continues to irritate the uterus, then I would cramp and contract and miscarriage would be inevitable. They would not give me anything to prevent a miscarriage because my pregnancy was under 20 weeks. I knew that with the size of my baby and with the mass of blood on the ultra sound screen that things might not be okay. I was so distraught and my intuitions were uneasy, emotional and deeply concerned. I became confused when the doctor told me that I simply needed to take it easy and didn't really need to be on bedrest. Steve and I both just felt helpless, there wasn't any advice or anything we could really do....other than to "take it easy."

Well, Steve and I were both exhausted after being in Dr. office for 3 hours, yep 3 hours. We came home, got our 4 rambunctious little boys fed and tucked in, and then my contractions began. Steve kept telling me to lay down, but the contractions were so painful that I felt an urge to move and walk them out....but they just kept coming. I did lay down from 7:00pm until we went into bed, and the contractions were just coming and going all through the evening.

We went into bed around midnight and that is when the contractions became very strong and frequent. I wanted an epidural because the pains and cramping were so intense and I thought for sure I would pass out. Contractions got worse and we knew that there was no hope. We called the doctor on call around 2:00 and got her voicemail. Then despite all of our efforts to hold on and keep our baby safe, our baby was born. I delivered our son still-born at about 2:45am. Steve and I felt so alone, so confused about what to do next, and in complete shock. The pain had subsided and I could finally breathe. I was exhausted and slowly sat down on my bed as I watched my husband weep as he looked at our still-born son. The phone rang, it was the doctor. Too late. She instructed us to come into Labor and Delivery and bring our baby. My sweet little sister Lindsey rushed over around 3:00am to stay with our sleeping boys.

The hospital experience was very much surreal. I do remember everything, but I don't like to remember it. Steve and I were both very much in shock and seemed numb the entire time. We didn't say much other than "I love you." We held hands and cried and cried. The nursing staff washed our baby and put a tiny little blue hat on his head and wrapped him up in the littlest blanket. They asked if we wanted to hold him. We both felt hesitant. Just less than 24 hours ago the doctors told us that if the baby was under 20 weeks, that it was just too small to save...Now they were treating him like a newborn baby and it felt very confusing and upsetting. We did hold him. I am grateful now that I did. He was very small, five and a half inches. He was perfect. Perfectly proportioned, perfect fingers and toes, most adorable little 'Christensen' nose just like his brothers, and as loved and cherished as any of my other babies. The love was strong and it hurt so much. We didn't spend longer than ten minutes holding him. The gentle nurse took him and made molds of his tiny feet and took some pictures of him for us. What heartache. I had just experienced birth and death in one surprising experience in which I was not in the least bit prepared for. I kept thinking, "The doctor's outlook was positive, it was good. How did we end up this way?"

For whatever reason, and we'll never know why, it happened. Our fifth little boy is not ours to have on this Earth. He is however with us, and he always will be. He will forever be mine and he will be in my every prayer, every wish, every temple session's warmest thoughts, every hope, and he has given me faith in and for the next life....faith to move mountains. I will have him one day. And in the meantime, I will ask my Heavenly Father to hug and kiss him every day until then...

I love you Miles...

XOXO's--Mommy
Miles Stephen Christensen
September 11th, 2010
2:45am
2oz 51/2 inches

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33 comments:

mj said...

Oh, Katie. I'm so sorry. This was beautifully written. You are one wonderful mother. You are in my prayers.

yours truly said...

Katie dear... what a heart wrenching, and beautiful story. I don't know what else to say but that I'm sorry, so sorry that you have to go through this. I am thinking and praying for your sweet family, all the way down here in Dominica. You are an amazing woman, and such a loving mother, with perfect perspective.

xoxo,
Chelsea

Luke Marrott said...

Steve and Katie,
I am very sorry to hear this update. I wont pretend I know how you feel. With Liliana being early and the ectopic pregnancy this spring I've had fears of trying again in case the next one landed somewhere in the middle.
I agree, this was very well written, and I'm sure very difficult. You express a very positive outlook I know you will see him again someday.
You guys are in our prayers. Let us know if there is anything we can do for you guys.

Take care,
:Luke

Miranda said...

My heart aches for you. Know that you are in my prayers. You and Steve. I am so sorry.

xo Miranda

amy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You are so strong to be able to write down such a difficult experience. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Please know our thoughts and prayers are with you and Steve.

amelia said...

oh kate, i am crying so hard right now. i love him so much too. i can't wait to meet him someday.
i just love kids like they're mine. little liv fasted for you again yesterday. i thought it was so sweet considering it wasn't even fast sunday.
you are the bravest mother i know! PLEASE let me help you whenever you need it. if you have a tough day, i want to be there for you!

okay, i can't stop crying.
love and hugs forever,
amelia

Claire said...

Oh Katie...I had heard that you had miscarried and I have been thinking about you ever since. I can't imagine the emotions you have been through. You and your sweet family are in my prayers. I love you! You are beautiful. You are a tremendous mother and I know that someday you will get to be a tremendous mother to sweet little Miles!!! Love you! Claire

Bethany said...

I am so sorry for your loss! My prayers are with your family!

Jill said...

katie, if there were a way to reach out and just hug you....i would in a heartbeat. words cannot express how sorry i am for your loss. sweet little miles has a wonderful family and what joy you will experience when you see him again.

praying for you, thinking of you and hoping you can feel my love for you during this most difficult time.

xo

jill

Alder Family said...

Oh Kate. I am heartbroken for you. That was such a sweet post for your Baby Boy. You are such a great mom. Hang in there! You and your cute family will continue to be in my prayers.

xoxo,
Meg

Kenny and Liz said...

Kate, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Your words are truly an inspiration. We love you so much and know that lifes trials can be painful but strengthening. Thank you for being amazing. Know you are in our thoughts and prayers. Much love,
Liz and Kenny

Anonymous said...

I found your story looking for info. On hemorraging during pregnancy and my heart stopped and I can't imagine going through what u went through and couldn't stop crying! I'm 7weeks preg. With the same condition and it was very realist on what to expect. My heart goes out to you and your family,I wish u the best and am truly sorry for your lost. Nichole

Beki said...

Katie- What a hard period of time. I am truly sorry for what you've had to go through. My heart ached for you and Steve when I found out. I am sending up prayers for you and your family. From our family to yours we wish you the very best.

The Garden said...

katie-
what a beautiful post for your beautiful little Miles. My heart is aching for you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sarah

Jared said...

I had no idea. Katie, you and Steve are such great examples to me of faith and love. I love you guys! One great day we will all meet sweet Miles!

-Jared

Debbie Richmond said...

My dear sweet Katie and Stevie, I hope you know how much we really love you. You do know, don't you? I read this and was shocked because I hadn't heard anything at all. I am sitting here at work crying because I can't imagine going through what you both went through. I just can't help but weep because of the tenderness I know you both possess and how terribly hard it must have been for you. You both are SO strong and your love for one another is amazing. Many unfortunate things happen to good people which is one of life's mysteries. None the less we are forced to deal with them. I pray you both know that we love you and your perfect little family. Hugs from too far away! xoxo Ken and Debbie

tiff and chris johnson said...

oh boo...i'm sobbing. I love you guys. I wish I was home to wrap my arms around you. I just know he is on the other side, waiting for his brothers to come wrestle and play in the clouds ;-) You are an angel dear kate and steve is a rock. You really can move mountains together, if you have the faith. I love you both more than words. All my love and admiration..xoxo

MJ said...

Oh Katie, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. It's so moving. I'm completely bawling. I love you so much! I hope and pray you find peace.

Our Family said...

Katie, I love you and Steve so much! I wish I could put my arms around you both and make all the pain go away. You and all of your little guys will be in our prayers.

Erica Williams said...

Katie,
I am so, so very sorry about your loss. Your write up is beautiful and I am so glad that you took the time to write your story. I have been very touched. Your faith is a great example to me. You and your sweet family are in our prayers!
Erica Williams

Kehl Family said...

Kate,
I feel HORRIBLE that I am barely seeing this post. I can't stop crying and am amazed at how beautifully written it was. You are SO strong and such an amazing friend, mommy and wife. I love you to pieces, and I am so truly sorry you and Steve had to endure such a hard thing. All I know is I can't wait to meet little Miles one day!

Kehl Family said...

Kate,
I feel HORRIBLE that I am barely seeing this post. I can't stop crying and am amazed at how beautifully written it was. You are SO strong and such an amazing friend, mommy and wife. I love you to pieces, and I am so truly sorry you and Steve had to endure such a hard thing. All I know is I can't wait to meet little Miles one day!

Broadbent Family said...

I can't put into words how sorry I am. You are such a wonderful mommy, Katie. What a blessing to know that you will be with him into the eternities. Your family is in my prayers and thoughts. Thank you for sharing this. Love you.

Hadmonster said...

Steve and Katie, Crystal and I lost our 3rd child at 20 weeks along I can only assume to share similar feelings and experience. I can't imagine going through an experience like this without a testimony of the plan of salvation and our Saviour's eternal love for us. I am sure your son will be waiting to get to know the rest of his family. I'm sure the Lord just had a different plan for Miles. Love you guys.

Joe

Andrea said...

thank you for sharing. i can't imagine the heartache. peace be with you and your family.
xxoo,
Andrea

Shane and Lauren said...

Katie,
I am so so sorry. How incredibly painful I'm sure this experience has been. I can't even imagine. I've only met Steve a few times, but it's easy to see what an amazing couple and wonderful people and parents you guys are. How great the plan of salvation is. Thanks for sharing your sweet testimony. You're a great example to us all.

April Cobb said...

I read this. And Jay read this. And our hearts were broken. I am so glad that you shared it with us. And I am so so sorry. But what peace there is to know that you will have your baby someday. I do believe that. You are a wonderful and loving mother, and I am grateful for your example. I pray that your hearts will heal and your joy will be full again. xoxo

missy d said...

Katie, I am so sorry. You are so strong, it's amazing. Love you!!!

Alysha said...

Katie, I just read your post and I feel terrible. I am so sorry to hear about you and your sweet baby boy. You are an incredible mother and your boys, all of them, are so lucky to have you. My prayers are with you and your family.

Chelsa said...

Katie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! I'm sure that was a really hard thing to go through especially at home. Hang in there... Kelley keeps me updated on you and your cute family. I hope you're doing okay.

Love ya, Chelsa Adamson

Erika Hanks said...

I just read your beautifully written but heartbreaking post. I am so sorry to hear about your baby boy! Our thoughts are prayers are with you and your family. Your perspective on the situation is amazing and a good example to all of us.

House of Payne said...

I am terribly sorry to hear about this. Please know that you are in my thoughts!

Jennifer and Jason Young said...

Love your sweet family Kate! I am so sad you had to experience this pain. I can't imagine anything coming close to this and admire your faithful courage. I am so grateful for the good news of the gospel and the promising hope if offers knowing you will be with your Miles again!